Warning: I’m about to fall apart

I wish I had a sign like this to hold up sometimes.


Maybe I’ll make one.

It’s been one of those weeks. The ones where you are sure your head is going to explode. I’ve been feeling so many things with no time to process – add in some sleep deprivation and some cranky kids and you’ve got yourself a recipe for a breakdown. (Or two).

We have been going without a break for a while now. We just got home from a two-week intensive mission training conference, which was amazing and exhausting all at the same time. We are now home for four days (two more to go) and then we’re traveling again on the weekend. Obviously four days is not enough recovery time for me since I’ve had two melt-downs in two days.

It’s always been my nature to stuff things down until there are so many little things stuffed down that I can’t take it anymore and it just takes one stupid little thing to break the dam and all of a sudden emotions pent up for weeks are overflowing everywhere, violently. I don’t like this about myself and I try to work on it…sometimes with some progress, sometimes without.

I feel bad because when I have a breakdown and take it out my family it usually has very little to do with them.


One of the classes we took at the missions conference was on “self-leadership and conflict.” Wow was it ever challenging for me. The teacher said that self-leadership is the hardest kind of leadership and I have to agree! Self control can be a big hurdle for me in more ways than one. I was so challenged to be reminded (because I already know) that no one else is responsible for my feelings. No one can “make me feel…” _____ (fill in the blank – happy, sad, mad, frustrated, annoyed, etc.). I CHOOSE to feel that way. What a big pill to swallow. It’s so easy to play the blame game and blame your feelings on someone else’s behaviour. The truth is – I can’t control anyone else’s actions; I can control mine. I can control how I react to anything. It sounds easy. It’s not.

I’m a work in progress (like everyone else). It’s been a rough few days. But that doesn’t mean I give up say this is the way it’s going to be. I am choosing to pick up the pieces and move on with a promise to myself to try better next time. Now, I know I can’t do this alone. THAT would be impossible.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”  -John 15:5 (NIV) 

So today, after two very rough days, I’m choosing to look to the One who can help me bear much fruit; the One who can help me choose the right response in any circumstance.

It’s a new day. Thank Goodness.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

    Jul 28, 2014 @ 12:38:39

    Wow! So enlightening. How amazing that it is easier to lead others than leading ourselves; that some of the things we wish others did to make themselves better are some of the hardest things for us to do! It proves that we are only human. Indeed we are all a work in progress, if only we allow the best workman, God, to work on us.


  2. jadekenya
    Jul 28, 2014 @ 17:15:16

    Exactly Gilbert! Thanks for your comment!


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